Wednesday, January 17, 2007

This isn't nearly as much about knitting as I intended it to be.

I am definetely an emotional knitter. I got in a fight with E the other night about something incredibly minor, but we both knew it was just a smokescreen for a couple other, slightly bigger frustrations. He went to bed, I sat up and finished another 8 inches on his scarf.

A couple of years ago, a friend was going through a rough time, and for my own reasons I just couldn't be as good a friend I wanted to be. At the time, I felt too caught up in my own emotional bullshit to be a good friend to anybody else. So I knit. I knit A LOT. When I gave her the stuff I had made for her, she was able to know that although I couldn't be "there", I still loved her.

I sat in my shower yesterday and cried, and I knew that I was crying about a bunch of things that wouldn't be big deals by themselves, and frankly weren't big deals no matter what, but all the little deals I've passed off as not mattering had ganged up and become one giant ball of stuff.

I cried because I felt like everything sucks, even though I knew damn good and well that that isn't true. I cried because I felt stupid and useless and helpless, even though I know that's not entirely true either. I cried because I'm not nearly as good at this whole "being an adult" thing as I should be, which quite frankly is true.

Hell, I cried because I was sick to death of doing laundry and dishes.

...but then I got out of the shower and worked out some of the little things, including some of the previously mentioned frustrations sitting between me and E, so the giant ball wasn't quite so crushingly big.

And then, I finished spinning that merino/silk. It is now sitting on a makeshift bobbin, waiting to be soaked and have the twist "set" (or atleast that's how I'm told it's supposed to work). I made a gauge swatch from some random yarn I picked up the other day, just to see its potential. I worked on E's scarf, because it is a work in progress worth working on.

The thing that always makes me feel better about life is this: We are always finding ways of improving, creating, building. Not just knitters-- everyone.

But as for me, it's pretty safe to say that I knit therefore I am.


Bells said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling so great. crying in the shower is very, very cathartic. I love it. Is it weird to say that?

Not that I do it often or anything!

So you knit like an emotional rock star then? he he

Seriously, had a pretty shitty time myself late last year. Got a lot of knitting done. Probably better than being an emotional over eater or drinker, huh?


Jilly Bean said...

Probably better than being an emotional over eater or drinker, huh?"

Sometimes I'm those too, but I much prefer knitting. I gain less weight and get fewer hangovers that way. :)

Shelley said...

Oh boy,
My sympathy.

About the uncertainty of who you are and what you can and can't do as a twenty something.
Its okay.
Your suppose to be new at things in your 20's, its a great time to fail, yes fail at nearly everything, cause that just means your really reaching and using this time you have on earth to its fullest.
Be careful not to fall into that, 'I'm an adult now and therefore should be an expert trap', - the only thing that will bring you is more tears in the shower.

No one else out there expects you to be an expert.

(I say this as I look back from 44yrs, and although Ive done alright by myself, Its one of the things I wish someone had told me.)

Best wishes